Never Mind the Bullocks, Here's Leviticus

Disclaimer for the humor-impaired, as well as those with a stunning obliviousness to the obvious:  "I Read Leviticus So You Don't Have To" is in no way, shape or form meant to be an objective analysis of the Book of Leviticus.  The author is by no means a biblical scholar, and brings virtually no insight to what is, by any objective measure, a work that to be generous is open to multiple interpretations.  Instead, the author selects certain elements of the book, presents them out of context, and then goes for the cheap laugh.  The cheapest, cheapest possible laugh.  "I Read Leviticus..." is therefore clearly an abomination, if not to the Lord, then at a minimum to all right-thinking peoples everywhere.  It is our sincerest hope that the author be stricken with a horrid affliction, as rapidly as possible, for it is clear that he is an asshole of the highest magnitude.

There.  I hope that satisfies my new pen-pal.

When last we left Leviticus, we were awestruck at the stunning numbness it had instilled into our brains.  In between snapping off the heads of four calling birds, three french hens, two turtledoves, and Keith Partridge, we learned a whole lot about lepers, menstruating women, people who eat at Red Lobster, and guys with stuff oozing out of their weiners.  Specifically, we learned that all of the above are unclean -- although you probably would've figured that last bit out on your own.

Today we dig in with Chapter 16, which kicks off with the news that Aaron's two sons have kicked off.  This interests me greatly -- specifically because I recall being cast as Aaron in a Sunday School play, round about fifth grade. 

It was a part that interested me greatly, because a quick glance at the first few pages seemed to hold the promise that the role was going to be significant, with a lot of lines.  (Even then I was a bit of an attention whore.)

Real early in the play, we learn that Moses isn't much of a public speaker, and that God is sending Aaron along to be Moses' spokesperson.  You'd think that would translate into a lot of lines for yours truly, no?

Well, no.  If I was an Aaron, I guess I was more of a mediocre Tommy as opposed to a Hammerin' Hank.  I believe my one line was "I will help you, Moses," after which I pretty much remained silent for the rest of the play.

I don't think it matters, though, since I can't recall that we ever performed the thing in public.

Anyway, in Chapter 16, Aaron's boys have been sent to the big burning bush up in the sky, and God is giving Moses instructions for Aaron's return to the temple.

First things first -- if Aaron's going to temple, God wants him to look his finest.  So like an omnipotent Bob Mackie, the big cheese spells out what Aaron is to wear.  Let's just say there are linens a-plenty.

And this being Leviticus, you'd better believe some animals are gonna die.  This time around, Aaron is told to bring a bullock (which Websters defines as either a castrated steer or a young bull) and two goats for offering.

The bullock is the first to get offed, followed by one of the goats.

Surprisingly, the second goat is spared, but since it is deemed "the scapegoat," I think you can pretty much guess that good things are not in store for goat #2.

No, I imagine that Mr. Scapegoat is pretty much envious of his dead pals, the bullock and the other goat, after Aaron is instructed to confess all of the sins, faults and transgressions over it -- thereby putting all of that sinning onto the goats head.  The goat (and the transgressions) are then sent out to wander alone (also known as "dying") in the desert.

The man who leads the goat away is instructed to bathe and to wash his garments in water before returning, which I imagine he planned to do anyway, if only to wash away the evidence of his dinner -- which likely consisted of a little dish I like to call "goat and transgression stew."

That's pretty much it for Chapter 16, except for a small bit at the end that compels everyone to fast on the 10th day of the seventh month, which I'm sure all of you Leviticus-obedient fundies do.  Right?

Comments

[Joe]

We here among your true-blue fans sure hope that the afflication you receive from on high won't be an oozing weiner. That'll change the whole nature of this blogging enterprise of yours because we know that a) you are a show off who has been known to parade around naked; and b) you own a digital camera.

[Woy]

You're not a biblical scholar?

[Deadlytoque]

I like my transgressions sauteed with a bit of rosemary, then you barbeque the goat with some peppers, on a skewer, kebab-style, and garnish lightly with throttled turtledoves.

Delicious and cleansing all at once!

[Josh]

I think you need to post (and mock) some outraged letters from you correspondent, Bob. Pretty please? Then you can be "I make fun of people who don't get the joke of 'I read Leviticus so you don't have to' so you don't have to."

jf

[Julie]

Wow - Josh just blew my mind.

[Joe]

I agree with Josh. With a cherry on top.

By the way I was just watching local DC cable access channel while on the treadmill and saw two whacked out ludricrous guys with garments on their heads shouting out passages from Leviticus. They read in the book something to the effect that God thinks men lying down with men to be abomination. That led the brothers in head gear to shout that therefore, according to the instructions ordered in Leviticus, God wants us to execute the "(really hateful term used by nasty people to label gay men) and lesbians."

I like Bob's interpretations of Leviticus better.

[Tube City]

Best ... title ... ever!

[Bob]

Sorry Josh & Joe -- I deleted them! Dude was startin' to weird me out. Also, he seemed like one of those guys who would carry on an argument thread forever, constantly re-arranging my words to suit his purposes. I figured it was better to cut bait.

[jet]

Those instructions God gave to Aaron are not only cruel but also wasteful. I mean Aaron could have been made to stand up a baseball bat, place his forehead on the end, & spin & spin & spin - maybe a spin for every one of those transgressions. Surely he would have gotten sick & this might have been entertaining for everyone else & they'd still have some milk for cereal. Then on the other hand, maybe Aaron should have simply been sent to wander in the desert carrying his own dang sins.

[Julie]

I can vouch for the guy's emails, I told Bob to run far and run fast.

[Mountain Mama]

Um, a steer by definition is castrated, so "castrated steer" is redundant. I pick apart veribage so you don't have to. Thank you.

[Bob]

Re: definition of "steer"...yeah, that WAS pretty stupid on my part. Oops.

The dictionary.com definition says "a castrated bull; a steer." I meant to pick one or the other of those, but ended up combining them into one big blob of redundancy.

[Brucker]

I got a good hearty laugh out of "goat and transgression stew" as well as a genuine moment of reflection on the practice. Suddenly it seemed clear to me:

High priest: Okay young man, you job now is to take this goat and walk over yonder until nobody can see you anymore, and then we want to never see this goat again!

Scapegoatherd: (licking lips and rubbing garlic butter on goat) You got it, sir!